Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Fiberglass, Santa Claus and Lebowski

When I was 25, I moved back to Los Angeles from Western Pennsylvania where I fell off the face of the earth for nine months. There are stories from my hiatus that definitely need to be told someday, but not this day. I dabbled around in the temp world and tried to figure out what I was going to do with my life. I took some classes at SMC, but mostly I hung out with friends and did whatever work came my way. I usually worked long term temp jobs. I worked six months for a firm that designs stuff with your company logo on it, you know, t shirts, foam rubber houses with Century 21 written on them, golf balls, etc. I worked for a guy who was a class A dickhead. He even threw a paperweight at my head one time because he didn't like the phone call he had just gotten off of even though I had nothing to do with it. Apparently he didn't like me and the only reason I stayed as long as I did was because they wanted to keep me on the company softball team. Once the season was over, I was sent back to my temp agency.

I worked at different places for two years. One day, I helped remove fiberglass from an office building roof and throw it away. They didn't give us gloves to do the work and it was 90 degrees, so we were in t shirts and shorts. It was verrrrry itchy. One day I was Santa Claus at the Westside Pavilion. That was cool in the fact they paid 12 bucks an hour and I met Loni Anderson and John Ritter (God rest his soul). It was like an episode of Love Boat. But I shaved before I put on their beard, and you shouldn't do that, because the stuff they put the beard on with works better with some stubble, which they didn't mention in the first Simpsons episode when Homer was a Santa. (Comet, Dixon?) I got a rash on my face that stayed for a couple days. It was verrrrrry itchy.

Finally, I got placed as an assistant apartment manager in Westwood for two buildings across the street from each other on Wellworth with 125 units. I was going to make sure the units were in shape and if there was work to be done, I was to call in people to do it. I just had to show open units and collect rent checks and make small talk with the tenants. In return, I was going to get a discounted apartment (after 120 days) and a pretty fair salary at the time. And this was a big company with room to grow. People all over were leaving individual buildings and working for the main company....I had a job with some potential.

Cut to two months later. There was a guy I met named Razz. He worked at L.A. Fitness a couple blocks away from our buildings and was looking to move in. We went through the process and he was going to be approved. The day before he signed his lease, it was pouring buckets of rain. He had all of his stuff in the back of a Datsun truck. He asked me if he could put the stuff in the apartment one day early. I said OK. Annnnnddddddd....I got fired. Apparently you can't do stuff like that. To top it off, I had made friends with a woman in one of the units, we went out and I liked hanging out with her. After I left, the manager told her all I did was talk about how I was going to bang her....and she believed him....classic dick move.

Well, Razz's boss, Chris, felt bad for me and asked me if I wanted to sell gym memberships. You had to bring in 5 people on your own, then you could get on the rotation list. After two weeks, I brought one. I was just taking the hourly and while I tried, no one wanted a membership. I was going to the UCLA campus every day until finally one Saturday, I went and saw The Big Lebowski instead. Chris knew I was not cut out for it and he recommended I call his friend who did mortgages in L.A. I'd be making more in salary than I ever had plus commission on deals I closed. I got the job and was going to start working in the business I've been in for the last 11 years. And that will be part two of this story, cause it's late.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Society is fucking ignorant...or the Taken kiddie matinee

I have never been a fan of Valentine's Day. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that my parents were married on that day. If you knew the trainwreck that that turned out to be, you wouldn't want to celebrate a day like that either. Combine it with the fact that, except for the last few years, I have been single on that day, it's a no brainer.

Well, this year, my darling Michele had to work from 7-7, which means usually 7-9:30 or 10:00 depending on the patients. I, of course, had no complaints as while I may be a hopeless romantic, I still don't like Valentines Day. So, instead, I was going to go see Taken with my good friend Andrea. We had dinner right before it opened and both said how much we wanted to see it. Despite the reviews, I still wanted to see it.

So, the movie starts at 4:00. Andrea lives two minutes from an AMC Theater in Woodland Hills. I don't like to go to the AMC, I am an Arclight man all the way. I like the idea of selecting my seats before I get there and not having to deal with the assholes who show up 30 seconds before the movie starts and ask "Duh, iz them seats taken?" Why no....150 people walked in here and sat down in other spots because who would want to sit in halfway up right in the middle? Thank God you are here to take the bullet for us on this one.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Andrea doesn't like the AMC either, but I had free passes and she had a gift card there. We figured that in the third week of showing, and with a half hour to get there, things would be dandy. I had parked illegally in their lot, but I figured who cares, only going to go in, get her and leave. I get back to the car. Try to start it.....fucking battery is dead. No problem, we'll take our friend Gillian's car. Gillian is her roommate and a wonderful woman, but had no intention of seeing what she called Schindler's Pissed. The problem was, we had to move the car into her spot. I drive a 2005 Toyota Camry. I had no idea they weighed 173,000 metric tons. I pushed that car about 30 feet up a slight (meaning almost negligible) incline and I was ready to puke up a kidney. Thank God there wasn't a speed bump as I'd be writing this from the hospital.

Now we have 10 minutes. We get in Gillian's car and drive to the mall. The place is packed. We look for the Valet. There's a sign, there's an umbrella. We wait 30 seconds and realize there is no valet. Because why would you have one on Saturday night, and a supposed holiday to boot?

We open the door to the mall and there is a line 40 people deep to get to the ticket booth. Fuck that, we mosey over to the credit card machine and get tickets. It's a 16 theater setup...there is one guy ripping tickets...........slowly. Thankfully another guy shambles over and we hand him the tickets.

As I said, 16 theaters....our movie is in the 15th....which is like a broom closet with a screen. The place is packed. There's seats in the front row and that's it. We contemplate motion sickness but then, like a VD miracle, some people get up and leave several rows back. We sit down with 3 seconds to go before previews. I have a large diet coke and we have a large popcorn. I am in flavor country and quite content.......

The previews suck. State of Play has Andrea cursing Ben Affleck. Apparently the BBC version is the tits and they are fucking it up. There's one for Miss March about some guy who falls into a coma on prom night right before he's about to get some ass. He wakes up four years later and his girl is a Playmate. Hijinks must ensue. Hefner looks like a wax statue.

Since the previews are sucking, I look around the theater. Sitting next to me is a child and her dad. The child appears to be about 7 or 8. To the left of me is Andrea, then two kids about 6 and 8 who are sitting by themselves unattended with no parents. Then, a guy walks in and sits in the front row pushing a stroller. I check my ticket stub. Yep, Taken, not Hotel for Dogs or some other kiddie movie. Isn't this movie supposed to be violent? Let's see.....

PG-13 for intense sequences of violence, disturbing thematic material, sexual content, some drug references and language.

Yeah, that's the movie to take your kiddies to. But it's none of my business. I smile at the little girl munching on her popcorn and she smiles back. The movie starts.......

And for the next 30 minutes all I hear is this.

"Daddy, who is that?"
"Daddy, why is he running"
"Daddy, did he stab that guy?"
"Daddy, who is that again?"

I'm going out of my fucking mind. I hate hate HATE it when people talk in the theater. I give the father a death stare and he leans over and whispers to his daughter. The guy in the front has the sense to leave the second his infant starts to cry and we never hear from them again. Then the daughter starts playing 20 questions again.

"Daddy, is that the Eiffel Tower?"
"Daddy, who are those guys"
"Daddy, is he a good guy?"

I look at Andrea and see that there is an open seat on her left. I leap over her and sit down, and sigh the sigh of contentment. But then I remember there are TWO kids on this side of me.

They begin to kick one another. Andrea is shushing the little girl I had shielded her from before. I lean over and look at the kids and half whisper "quit kicking each other now and watch the movie" and glare at them. For some reason, they got up and were never heard from again.

I liked the movie. I would have liked it a lot more if some parents weren't so fucking stupid as to bring their kids to this movie. Was it their Valentine's Day gift to their kids? Here you go honey, let's go to a movie you have no clue how to follow and may have nightmares about the shootings and stabbings and the guy who was hit by a truck. Enjoy it, then we'll go eat dinner. I know people need to get out. I've heard stories about R rated movies where couples bring infants to the movie and don't leave when they start crying. That should count for immediate dismissal. I hope to be a father soon and when I do, I'll just not go to a movie with my kid until they are old enough to go or if it's a kiddie flick. Because I am a considerate fucking guy. But there were at least 10 kids in the theater and that is unfuckingacceptable.

At least the night ended well. The AAA guy came and brought a battery with him, which worked out well because Gillian and Andrea checked and there were no places open. We all went to Kate Mantilini's for dinner and then went over to Corbin sing karaoke. Gillian has her version of Epic by Faith No More up on her Myspace and apparently my version of Fiona Apple's Criminal was taped, so maybe I can get a copy of that up.

Sometime, I may talk about the different people who go to this karaoke bar because it's funny, but I'll save it.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

People have no fucking taste....

***This is going to be a long one people, maybe you should get a beverage first***

So I'm minding my own business, basking in the glow of a Steelers Super Bowl Victory. I don't know if they deserved to win, but they did. Still and all, props to Arizona and especially Larry Fitzgerald, who has been my favorite non Steeler for about two years. Anyhoo, I turn on my computer and AIM comes on. With it comes a page that says...50 hottest redheads. I'm a sucker for redheads, and Pajiba just had a vote recently about it, so I decide to take a look. What I saw was not only terrible, but downright disgusting. I don't know who voted for this but whoever it was wasn't either 1. Male or 2. Over the age of 18. Either that or this was a list made based on whose publicists did the most work. Because now only haven't I heard of half of these people, but most of the people who are on it I know are laughable. And apparently it's based on anyone who they have a picture of with red hair, because some people who are known as a brunette or blonde are on here as well.

The site is

I recommend you look along as I make my comments.

50. Jenna Fischer - A great start to the list. I think 50 is pretty low, but at least she is on it. She's downright adorable.

49. Gia Ferrell - Don't know who she is. Not cuter than Jenna. In line for a beak tweak. Average at best.

48. Alison Sudol - Who is this? Apparently a singer. The pic on the list makes her look goofy.

47. Rumer Willis -

(stares at screen, mouth agape)
(takes a sip of water)


Are you fucking kidding me? I've had bowel movements with blood in them that were prettier redheads than her. She looks like a misshapen Mister Potato Head. I went into a full body heave when I say her on the screen. She must have made Demi Moore's vagina look like a manhole when she was born. Sweet Tapdancing Christ on a pogo stick. She's not the 50 cutest anything. I don't know who Jenna Fischer pissed off, but she needs to fire her publicist ASAP.

46. Alyson Hannigan - Wayyyyyyyy too soon for her to be on this list. Not based on the picture on the site, but all of the other ones. She's adorable and a top 10 contender here and on Pajiba when we had our vote. At least she is ahead of 47 (which is also her hat size)

45. Cris Winger - No fucking clue. IMBD says she did makeup for 20 movies and was in one. she's cute, but not deserving to be on this list if we don't know who the fuck she is.

44. Sara Rue - She was on some TV show, where she was perky and chunky. Then she lost weight. I think she was on The Big Bang Theory recently. If I could possibly pull her in a bar, she shouldn't be on the list.

43. Emilie Dequenne - French actress. Meh.

42. Barbara Meier - German Model. Won Germany's Next Top Model. Bad picture I guess.

41. Susan Sarandon - 20 years ago maybe. Come on people, I understand that we are supposed to celebrate older women and say that they are just as hot and vibrant as women 20-30 years younger than them. Horseshit. Susan Sarandon is a good looking woman and I thought she was great in Bull Durham, but is she hotter than Alyson Hannigan? Um, hell no.

40. Tori Amos - She wasn't hot before, she isn't hot now. Looks like a Muppet who sings depressing songs. This is a list of the HOTTEST Redheads and there have been 2 out of 11 that should be on the list.

39. Kristen Stewart - Bitch is boring when she acts. Looks boring in her pictures. It's funny, there's also a list of Top 100 performers under 25 that I couldn't bear to look the whole way through. Here's a hint. She's in the top 15, Lauren Conrad is 3rd. Dakota Fanning is 100th. Something is wrong wrong wrong here.

38. Kate Walsh - OK, not bad, this is about her range. I remember her when she was Drew's girlfriend on the Drew Carey Show and she wore a fat suit, but when she wasn't in it was sneaky cute. Then she gets on that crappy Grey's Anatomy show and she's sultry? Things change.

37. Deirdre Quinn - Apparently she is on Heroes. I don't know. I have never watched it. I watch How I Met Your Mother, a better show with a better redhead.

36. Aviva - There is no record of her on Google, just some company. Did a little deeper dig and she is Aviva Farber, the hot little redhead McLovin goes to bed with in Superbad. Jesus, that is the worst picture ever taken of her. I'd fire her agent for letting that represent her hotness.

35. Kate Nash - British singer. Once again the pic provided is the worst ever. Was the guy putting this together running late and needed to get out of the office? Take an extra 10 minutes and have some pride in your craft.

34. Emily Bergl - Another bad pic. And she doesn't look good with short red hair. She was in that Carrie 2 movie...there she had the creepy hot look aka the Fairuza Balk. You know, the look where she was going to fuck the shit out of you then kill you with a butter knife and use your skin as a Snugglie.

33. Claire Danes - Good pick, good placement. May be one of the rare women who is cuter as a blonde.

32. Danneel Harris - She's on One Tree Hill and was in the 2nd Harold and Kumar movie. And she will be in the upcoming Sony release Fired Up (that was for you Shawn). Maybe she should be higher than she is ranked here.

31. Bonnie McKee - she's a singer. Meh.

30. Lily Cole - Apparently this woman is a "Supermodel" She must be able to suck a tennis ball through a racket, though I don't know how with the bottom of your head missing. If we took Rumer Willis's jaw and put it on the top of hers, it would look like an Easter Island statue.

29. Michelle Stafford - Apparently she's won two Emmys. Then I looked further and they are Daytime Emmy's. I won a Daytime Emmy for the time I withdrew money at the ATM. She looks like an average soccer mom, the one who brings vegetables for the team snack.

28. Kirsten Dunst - I guess they don't take teeth into account. Britain's Sweetheart looks like she makes keys with those bad boys.

27. Shayna Rose - Another soap actress and was on Mad Men and Ugly Betty. Where she shouldn't be. On this list at 27. Plain pale redhead with no merit to be where she is.

26. Rachel Boston - Played the sister on The Ex List, which was cancelled in like a week. Another OK but not special pick who should be lower.

25. Scarlett Pomers - Like I'm going to back someone who's main role was on Reba. I don't get this list so far.

24. Christina Ricci - Much hotter with jet black hair. I don't even know when she was a redhead.

23. Gillian Anderson - Guys are crazy about her for some reason. She's cute, but has the personality of a tube sock. But the list is for hottest, so she should be here, and here's a good a spot as any.

22. Nicola Roberts - There's a band called Girls Aloud, I guess. Never heard of them. Never heard of her. She needs a nose job.

21. Phoebe Price - No fucking clue. She looks like she is a candidate for Crack Whore Magazine. But after starring in such classics as "The Junkyard Willie Movie - Lost in Transit" and "Strawberries for the Homeless" and one episode of Arliss as "Photographer" she clearly deserves to be on this list.

20. Julianne Moore - Now we are getting somewhere. Yes and double yes. Insanely hot back in the day and holds up nicely.

19. Bryce Dallas Howard - No and hell no. Clint is hotter than her. ***I went to the Pajiba list to look at this after I was done. Apparently, I used the same joke. It still applies.

18. Shirley Manson - Under the Freaky hot section (see Emily Bergl) but too high for this list.

17. Lindsay Lohan - I thought the idiots who made this list would rank her higher. But when she has her shit together and her mouth shut, she is attractive. Look that that to happen again in 2056.

16. Joss Stone - She has a good voice. I liked the first album where she sang standards. As for being hot? She is a two face. (see Seinfeld for reference) and hotter as a blonde.

15. Kate Winslet - Talented and hot. Deserves to be where she is, if not higher.

14. Karen Elson - British model and singer. eh, ok, you can stay.

13. Laura Prepon - Very very hot. I was saddened by three things about her. 1. when she went blonde. That was a sad day. She was hot and different looking then she went bimbo. 2. Dating Christopher Masterson, the less manly Masterson brother (which is saying a mouthful). 3. Is a Scientologist. Takes her out of the running forever.

12. Emma Stone - Another girl from Superbad. You know, for a movie I didn't much like, they did have some talented redheads. What? I think Michael Cera does the same thing every movie and Jonah Hill isn't funny at all. He aspires to be Jack Black.....who isn't funny anymore either.

11. Angie Everhart - Hall of Famer. Still has it.

10. Debra Messing - WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!? Are you kidding me? Personality goes a long way on this one. She is more annoying than crotch rot.

9. Alicia Witt - A personal favorite from waaaaaayyyyy back. When I lived at home, my mom loved Cybill. I would watch it just to see her. And Cybill is more annoying and self centered than Debra Messing, so that tells you how hot I think Alicia Witt is.

8. Ashlee Simpson - Ahead of Alicia Witt? Fuck you voters. She is the ugly sister. Hell, O.J., Marge and Grampa Simpson have more to offer than this talentless bim. the only couple I hate more than her and her gay husband are the two dickheads from the Hills. BTW, on that list of Top people under 25, Heidi was 24th. Kat Demmings was 25th. There is no God.

7. Amy Adams - Top 3 on my list. hell, at least she is in the top 10 and ahead of Asslee.

6. Drew Barrymore - Don't know what to say. For a while I had a full length poster of her in my old apartment that was hot.

She don't look like that anymore. She's attractive, but not top 10.

5. Rose McGowan - She is Top 5. Hot and curvy....and crazy!!!!

4. Lydia Hearst - Didn't know who she was. If you are allegedly top 5, we should know you. And eat a fucking burger while you're at it. I will trade Alyson Hannigan's spot for this one.

3. Marcia Cross - ?????? Do you remember that movie "Death Becomes Her" where Goldie Hawn and Meryl Streep end up with eternal life, but have to spackle and duct tape themselves? I think Marcia Cross is going the same way. When she was on Melrose Place, she deserved to be up this high, but not sirree bob. Good thing Teri Hatcher was never a redhead or her dumb ass would be on here as well.

2. Christina Hendricks - I have never watched Mad Men. I have seen pictures of Christina Hendricks. Mad Men is a great fucking show. And it's great some curvy women are coming on the scene.

1. Evan Rachel Wood - #1? The Hottest redhead? I mean she's cute, but not the hottest redhead. Not the hottest young actress. Not the hottest actress in the movie The Wrestler. Marisa Tomei, FTW. What a depressing end to the list.

OVERALL - Obviously the list sucked. I didn't know 18 of them. Some were criminally low, some were criminally high and Rumer fucking Willis was on the list. Do you know who wasn't on the list?

Lauren Ambrose
Nicole Kidman
Laura Leighton
Rachel McAdams
and the hottest redhead of them all (no, not Shawn Hugus)

Isla Fisher

As I said, I don't know who made this list, but here's my top 10 and I'll let you decide which is better.

10. Julianne Moore
9. Jenna Fischer
8. Christina Hendricks
7. Laura Prepon
6. Alyson Hannigan
5. Alicia Witt
4. Rose McGowan
3. Rachel McAdams
2. Amy Adams
1. Isla Fisher

....and I'm spent.