Society is fucking ignorant...or the Taken kiddie matinee

I have never been a fan of Valentine's Day. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that my parents were married on that day. If you knew the trainwreck that that turned out to be, you wouldn't want to celebrate a day like that either. Combine it with the fact that, except for the last few years, I have been single on that day, it's a no brainer.

Well, this year, my darling Michele had to work from 7-7, which means usually 7-9:30 or 10:00 depending on the patients. I, of course, had no complaints as while I may be a hopeless romantic, I still don't like Valentines Day. So, instead, I was going to go see Taken with my good friend Andrea. We had dinner right before it opened and both said how much we wanted to see it. Despite the reviews, I still wanted to see it.

So, the movie starts at 4:00. Andrea lives two minutes from an AMC Theater in Woodland Hills. I don't like to go to the AMC, I am an Arclight man all the way. I like the idea of selecting my seats before I get there and not having to deal with the assholes who show up 30 seconds before the movie starts and ask "Duh, iz them seats taken?" Why no....150 people walked in here and sat down in other spots because who would want to sit in halfway up right in the middle? Thank God you are here to take the bullet for us on this one.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Andrea doesn't like the AMC either, but I had free passes and she had a gift card there. We figured that in the third week of showing, and with a half hour to get there, things would be dandy. I had parked illegally in their lot, but I figured who cares, only going to go in, get her and leave. I get back to the car. Try to start it.....fucking battery is dead. No problem, we'll take our friend Gillian's car. Gillian is her roommate and a wonderful woman, but had no intention of seeing what she called Schindler's Pissed. The problem was, we had to move the car into her spot. I drive a 2005 Toyota Camry. I had no idea they weighed 173,000 metric tons. I pushed that car about 30 feet up a slight (meaning almost negligible) incline and I was ready to puke up a kidney. Thank God there wasn't a speed bump as I'd be writing this from the hospital.

Now we have 10 minutes. We get in Gillian's car and drive to the mall. The place is packed. We look for the Valet. There's a sign, there's an umbrella. We wait 30 seconds and realize there is no valet. Because why would you have one on Saturday night, and a supposed holiday to boot?

We open the door to the mall and there is a line 40 people deep to get to the ticket booth. Fuck that, we mosey over to the credit card machine and get tickets. It's a 16 theater setup...there is one guy ripping tickets...........slowly. Thankfully another guy shambles over and we hand him the tickets.

As I said, 16 theaters....our movie is in the 15th....which is like a broom closet with a screen. The place is packed. There's seats in the front row and that's it. We contemplate motion sickness but then, like a VD miracle, some people get up and leave several rows back. We sit down with 3 seconds to go before previews. I have a large diet coke and we have a large popcorn. I am in flavor country and quite content.......

The previews suck. State of Play has Andrea cursing Ben Affleck. Apparently the BBC version is the tits and they are fucking it up. There's one for Miss March about some guy who falls into a coma on prom night right before he's about to get some ass. He wakes up four years later and his girl is a Playmate. Hijinks must ensue. Hefner looks like a wax statue.

Since the previews are sucking, I look around the theater. Sitting next to me is a child and her dad. The child appears to be about 7 or 8. To the left of me is Andrea, then two kids about 6 and 8 who are sitting by themselves unattended with no parents. Then, a guy walks in and sits in the front row pushing a stroller. I check my ticket stub. Yep, Taken, not Hotel for Dogs or some other kiddie movie. Isn't this movie supposed to be violent? Let's see.....

PG-13 for intense sequences of violence, disturbing thematic material, sexual content, some drug references and language.

Yeah, that's the movie to take your kiddies to. But it's none of my business. I smile at the little girl munching on her popcorn and she smiles back. The movie starts.......

And for the next 30 minutes all I hear is this.

"Daddy, who is that?"
"Daddy, why is he running"
"Daddy, did he stab that guy?"
"Daddy, who is that again?"

I'm going out of my fucking mind. I hate hate HATE it when people talk in the theater. I give the father a death stare and he leans over and whispers to his daughter. The guy in the front has the sense to leave the second his infant starts to cry and we never hear from them again. Then the daughter starts playing 20 questions again.

"Daddy, is that the Eiffel Tower?"
"Daddy, who are those guys"
"Daddy, is he a good guy?"

I look at Andrea and see that there is an open seat on her left. I leap over her and sit down, and sigh the sigh of contentment. But then I remember there are TWO kids on this side of me.

They begin to kick one another. Andrea is shushing the little girl I had shielded her from before. I lean over and look at the kids and half whisper "quit kicking each other now and watch the movie" and glare at them. For some reason, they got up and were never heard from again.

I liked the movie. I would have liked it a lot more if some parents weren't so fucking stupid as to bring their kids to this movie. Was it their Valentine's Day gift to their kids? Here you go honey, let's go to a movie you have no clue how to follow and may have nightmares about the shootings and stabbings and the guy who was hit by a truck. Enjoy it, then we'll go eat dinner. I know people need to get out. I've heard stories about R rated movies where couples bring infants to the movie and don't leave when they start crying. That should count for immediate dismissal. I hope to be a father soon and when I do, I'll just not go to a movie with my kid until they are old enough to go or if it's a kiddie flick. Because I am a considerate fucking guy. But there were at least 10 kids in the theater and that is unfuckingacceptable.

At least the night ended well. The AAA guy came and brought a battery with him, which worked out well because Gillian and Andrea checked and there were no places open. We all went to Kate Mantilini's for dinner and then went over to Corbin Bowl.to sing karaoke. Gillian has her version of Epic by Faith No More up on her Myspace and apparently my version of Fiona Apple's Criminal was taped, so maybe I can get a copy of that up.

Sometime, I may talk about the different people who go to this karaoke bar because it's funny, but I'll save it.