Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Eloquent Eloquence

I've been posting comments on Pajiba for about two months. I wanted to make it on their top ten comments list. I set a goal and made it to 7th place the following week. Three weeks later, I made it to #1. I'm not a smart man, so I have to take my victories where I can get them. So here's a copy of that won out of like 5000 or so.....give or take....There was a post going around saying not only was there going to be a sequel to Bull Durham, but Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins' characters were together as husband and wife. If you've seen the movie, you know how little sense that makes...and therefore, my post:


There are so many things wrong with making a sequel to Bull Durham. In the first place, if they were going to do it, it's about 15 years past its shelf life. And in no universe would Annie and Nuke end up getting back together.

Here are a couple other movie sequels being planned that make just about as much sense:

1. Godfather 4 - A Voodoo priestess resurrects Michael, Sonny, Fredo and Moe Green and they take a cross country drive from New York to Las Vegas to see Barbra Streisand perform for the last time. Hijinks ensue as they are chased by the zombie Barzini and Chief McCluskey. Along the way, they pick up a kid (Shia Labeouf) and teach him Omerta and the way of La Cosa Nostra.

2. Smokey and the Bandit 4 - Bandit runs for Governor of Georgia against Buford T. Justice who for some reason is married to Sally Field's character, Frog. Hijinks ensue as Big Enis and Little Enis (Pat McCormick and Paul Williams) dress the same although one is 6'8" and the other is 5'2". Bandit learns he has a son (Shia Labeouf) who also has a knack for fast driving and fast living. Special appearance by Billy Ray Cyrus as a perverted father.

3. Citizen Kane 2- the Wrath of Kane - Charles Foster Kane (Shia Labeouf) rises from the dead to avenge the loss of Rosebud. He does this with Yellow Journalism and 250 pounds of dynamite.
4. Casablanca 2 - Beach Party - Rick (Shia Labeouf) and Louie (Christopher Mintz Plasse) hit Spring Break with $10,000 Francs and no rules!!!!!

5. Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull - the world is at a precipice, this time caused by the specter of nuclear annihilation, and Indy's struggle is once again to ensure that a precious, mysterious object remains safe from those bent on destroying humanity. And there's Aliens!!!!!! And he has a kid....played by Shia Labeouf.

You see, none of those movies make any fucking sense, as this new Bull Durham wouldn't either. It was a great sports movie and while it would be good to see the characters again, they are hinging it on a plot point that totally pisses on the ending of the first movie. For Christ's sake, people, let sleeping dogs lie.

Yep, that was the winner. And now that I have won (and got a free t-shirt, if you know me, you know I love my t-shirts) my thirst for more cannot be sated. I will let you know if it was just beginners luck or if I am snarky enough to take the crown again. I think I'm sarcastic enough to do it!!!!!!

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